Blog or Not?
A statistically improbable polymath's views on politics and culture.
Monday, September 20, 2004It's All About Dick
Or, A Modest Proposal Regarding the Concerns Over Comparative Masculinity in the Presidential Candidates
(WARNING: The following is intended as satire. Those with delicate sensibilities and/or a deficient sense of humor should probably skip this post.)
Much of the presidential campaign has been focused on how much more "manly" one of the candidates is than the other, and I'm sick of it. I don't care how well a president can fill out a flight suit, ride a motorcycle, throw a baseball, or shoot a deer, and I believe many of my fellow Americans also feel this way. Unfortunately, there are many other Americans--mostly men, but women as well--who feel that we need a "manly" president to project a tough image to the terrorists. Perhaps Osama bin Laden really would be intimidated by a man he perceives as more masculine than he; he seems like his views on leadership are rather primitive.
Maybe it's worth a shot. But how do we determine, between Bush and Kerry, who is the alpha male? Sports contests have been proposed, but the two men excel at different sports. Kerry is an avid hockey player and windsurfer; Bush is a fine runner and cheerleader. Perhaps a shooting contest would be the fairest test; both men have been courting the hunting-and-fishing vote. But we're all influenced by Freud here; we all know what the guns really stand for.
That's right. I'm proposing that instead of wasting six more weeks with masculine posturing and enough chestbeating to make Sylvester Stallone blush, we go ahead and just get out the rulers already. We'll have a bipartisan panel of doctors do the examinations and report to the American public in deference to the candidates' modesty.
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