Blog or Not?

A statistically improbable polymath's views on politics and culture.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Well, we know it's not Apu
Springfield legalizes gay marriage, and someone comes out of the closet. But who? The Guardian suggests Smithers, but notes that Carl and Lenny are possibilities, as well as Moe, Comic Book Guy, Principal Skinner, and Reverend Lovejoy.

Methinks the article writer hasn't seen enough Simpsons: We know that Moe fell for a woman in one episode, so we can fairly safely cross him off the list. Comic Book Guy dreams of Xena, so he's not likely either. Principal Skinner keeps flirting with Edna Krabapple. This leaves Smithers, Carl, Lenny, and the good Reverend. I can't imagine that a closeted minister would come out of the closet just because gay marriage has been made legal, but stranger things have happened. Smithers, of course, is totally in love with Mr. Burns, who is evidently very straight--there's not going to be a marriage between them, unless Smithers can convince him that it's for tax purposes. This leaves Carl and Lenny, whom we rarely see apart--although it could just be because they're Homer's two best buddies.

Besides, Homer becomes a minister over the Internet in this episode--therefore, if there is a gay marriage to be performed, Homer will perform it--thus, the people getting married must either be friends of Homer or be able to pay him a rather hefty fee.

But wait! What if it's a lesbian who comes out? Wait... trying to think of possible Springfield lesbians... I can't. There really aren't any good single female recurring characters.

Suddenly it comes to me--why would Homer need to be the one conducting the ceremony if the mayor legalizes gay marriage? Why couldn't the mayor do it?

That's right. Mayor Quimby's getting married! How sweet.

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