Blog or Not?

A statistically improbable polymath's views on politics and culture.

Friday, May 28, 2004
I can't wait to fill my selective service card out!
Around campus there have been rumors that Congress has renewed interest in Senator Rangel's call for a military and national service draft for both sexes. While Selective Service officials are keeping mum about these possibilities, on the Selective Service registration website they now have a place where one can press "Female", although they note that females may not currently register. I have not tried this out, as I don't want to potentially break the law.

In the spirit of public service we here at Blog or Not? ("we" being me and whatever people I've talked to in researching this article) have decided to inform the public about how to stay draft-eligible.

1. You must be healthy. Here is a list of disqualifying conditions. Please note that these conditions include such common maladies as braces, chronic depressive mood disorder, and mild scurvy. (I once heard of a college student who ate nothing but cheese crackers and died of scurvy.) However, the doctors can fill out waivers for these conditions if they feel they will not interfere with military duties.

2. You must be of "appropriate" height and weight, which I felt was so important, in our day of mass obesity, to merit its own separate category. Weight restrictions, especially for women, have been eased in recent years due to the growth of the population. If you've received the call and wish to serve your country, try to maintain an acceptable weight/body fat percentage. If you're really enthusiastic about serving your country but are slightly underweight, try eating large quantities of high-fat, high-simple-carbohydrate foods such as donuts, premium ice cream, macaroni and cheese, etc. If you're slightly overweight, go on the Slim-Fast plan--a retired Naval Reserves officer I know swears by it.

3. You should not be openly homosexual or in any way at all attracted to any members of your own sex, and you should not joke about being so attracted. The most heterosexual man on the planet could potentially be disqualified by admitting that he'd rather sleep with Brad Pitt than with the Elephant Lady. Same-sex marriages, whether based on physical attraction or convenience, are similarly right out.

4. You should not be a single parent. This includes divorced parents with joint custody.

In short, everyone who wishes to fulfill their mandatory national service in the Armed Forces should heed these warnings.

I salute you!

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